EXCLUSIVE TRANSCRIPT: Bill Maher and Woody Allen talk turkey (cancel culture)!

The following is an exclusive transcript from an unreleased portion of Bill Maher’s Club Random podcast interview with filmmaker Woody Allen.

BILL: I’ve never actually seen a penis other than my own. I’ve never looked at another man below the waist, isn’t that interesting? And gay people find temptation everywhere, I’ll never understand it. This is Club Random, we’re here with Woody Allen. Woody?

WOODY: What was the question?

BILL: I don’t know, but I can just keep talking until we land on something.

WOODY: Well, when I have cat-like sexual intercourse, I like to put on some… Louis Armstrong, Jelly Roll Morton, you know the way he tickles those ivories, I can only aspire to that uh— to that level of dexterity.

BILL: Woody, you’ve made some of the greatest comedies of all time. Let me ask you something probably nobody has ever asked you before, this is a question I came up with myself. I wrote it down on this condom I masturbated into while I was crying, in what was the only self-aware moment of my summer. Do you understand what I’m saying? The question is— shit, I can’t read it. The cum and tears got mixed in with the ink, you can’t read this. You know, now I’m gonna have to yell at someone. Anyway, I don’t remember the question.

WOODY: Well you know, I remember going to the cinema as a kid and seeing the greats— Chaplin, Keaton, later the Bergman films, Groucho Marx, of course— you know, I try to show some of these older films to Soon-Yi, she’s never seen them. And isn’t that proof in and of itself right there? If I had raised this girl, she would have been subjected to all the classics over and over again. But she’s uncultured— there’s no way I could have raised someone like that. Almost everybody else in my life hates me, there’s no way I could have raised this girl, I mean uh— my wife. I’ll never understand why people say such horrible things about me.

BILL: Now that’s fascinating, so let’s get into cancel culture. I don’t know about you, but I hold certain beliefs about men and their role in society, and I do believe in a world without accountability for men.

WOODY: Well of course, absolutely.

BILL: And… huh, guess actually that’s my whole point?

WOODY: Makes sense to me.

BILL: Do you ever listen to R. Kelly? It’s interesting, I don’t like his music, but I put it on just to show my support, right? I mean, allegedly he is guilty of some crime, to tell you the truth I haven’t read much about it, but I don’t need to. We have to support R. Kelly, just like we have to support Bill Cosby. I mean, the dentist? Can we all just drop the act, who doesn’t love that bit?

WOODY: Did R. Kelly do Smashed Tater Blues? Or Whippoorwill Stomp?

BILL: Yes.

WOODY: Then I love R. Kelly.

BILL: You know, the way I support these sex criminals, it makes you wonder what I’ve done, huh? Why do I talk about this so much, there has to be a reason, it’s interesting.

WOODY: I don’t think it is, but I’m not so much introspective in that sense of thinking about myself in the world or how things impact other um, other people. But I do like to play the clarinet, Benny Goodman, R. Kelly and so on.

BILL: That’s great. I’m as smart as you, I just want to take a second to say that, and I think that whatever you just said is great. On that note, let’s talk about Donald Trump.

WOODY: Well, he’s always been nice to me, the politics… I don’t agree with it, necessarily, but I am very indifferent to it.

BILL: Yeah, we had a fantastic dinner, the food was great. I don’t understand what the big problem is, none of it affects me anyway. I might have more money than you, I just realized that.

WOODY: You and I have so much in common. Who do you think that reflects worse on?

BILL: Still me for now.